Movie Review: Bye Bye Birdie (1995)

I said I would review one of the worst movies I've ever seen: here you go.

Don't be fooled! This is not the classic '60s film that we all know and love. No, no. This is a made-for-TV remake that spits upon that film and the original musical. Oh yeah, I said it. Starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld) as Albert Peterson and Vanessa Williams (Shaft, Soul Food) as his fiance Rosie, this version follows the 1963 musical very closely, albeit adding its own flavors leading to...a huge, muddled, overlong and boring piece of crap. Yep.

For those of you who don't know a thing about the other versions of this story, Bye Bye Birdie tells the story of Albert and Rosie, who lead record company Almaelou. Rosie wants Albert to become an English teacher like he dreamed about eight years ago when they got engaged, and so they plan to finish the business by writing their client Conrad Birdie, played by stage actor Marc Kudisch (who actually played Birdie on Broadway), his farewell song "One Last Kiss" so he can sing it on The Ed Sullivan Show before he leaves to go into the Army. Shenanigans ensue, crazy fangirls attack, and boyfriends get jealous--it's a perfectly comical premise and the musical and 1963 film are. This is NOT!

But you know, let me discuss the good aspects of this film. First of all, the only redeeming qualities of this film are right on the cover: Jason Alexander, Vanessa Williams, Marc Kudisch. Jason Alexander fits the role of Albert almost perfectly and he has so much fun on screen...when he can. He does the best with the direction he's given. He doesn't get up to the level that the legendary Dick van Dyke set in the original productions, but he is EASILY the most entertaining part of this, especially when he masterfully sings and performs his rendition of "Put on a Happy Face." Unfortunately, that musical number takes place in the first half-hour. More on the other songs later. Vanessa Williams and Kudisch are okay--not as good as Alexander, but they are still enjoyable and passable. That said, Kudisch did play Birdie before, so I guess his experience helped this time around. Williams plays Rosie well, and that's about all I'll say about that.

I would have loved to give this movie props for sticking close to the original stage version for the mainstream audience, but unfortunately, the movie fails at THAT, too! The filmmakers probably pitched the idea of a Bye Bye Birdie movie that would follow the musical, and then after the idea was accepted, they said, "Well, people will wonder where the title song is, so let's put that in somewhere." I can accept that thought. They continued, "Well, you know, we need our own spin on this, so let's add in three new songs that have little to no relevance to the plot whatsoever other than slow down the pacing. Yeah, that sounds PERFECT, right?" No, it does not sound perfect, Mr. Gene Saks, it does not. I will say that the original composers of the musical wrote the three new songs, and by themselves, they sound pretty good. Maybe it's because of how they're performed, but regardless, without a doubt, they slow the pacing of the film dramatically with everything else from every other movie and musical version.

Now the bad. And there's a lot. First off, the most infuriating thing about this movie is the MacAfee family. Chynna Phillips as Kim MacAfee, MacAfee being the frontrunner of the 1963 film, does not work... at all. Kim MacAfee in the musical is sixteen. Phillips was 27 at the time of the release, and she looks like she's in her late 30's. LATE 30's! It doesn't work, and I don't know what the heck went through the casting director's head when he said, "She's perfect for Kim MacAfee. Outstanding!" I don't, I don't, I don't. George Wendt as father Harry MacAfee has no idea who his character is, how to correctly interpret it, because all of the funny lines in the script that he has are bogged down with his sympathetic approach to a comically unsympathetic character. Did he not watch the masterful Paul Lynde in the '63 film? I mean, honestly, the role isn't that easy to mess up. You're either passable or masterful. Wendt blows the scale and kills the role. I don't mean he killed it as in a good thing; he butchered everything about the role. And I'm just skimming the surface with these complaints.

Next order of business: The director tries to ground the story into reality. Bye Bye Birdie is a satire, not a story about a fictional American family's trials and tribulations with a rock star, and director Gene Saks (who actually directed the classic The Odd Couple in '68) doesn't see that. "Hymn for a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan)" is supposed to be a hilarious number where the MacAfees reverently sing about how they're going to be on the Ed Sullivan Show in the style of a church hymn as the company joins them. How does this version do it? They set it in the MacAfee neighborhood in Ohio. The '60s version did it better. The musical did it better. This did not do it well. You can tell that Mr. Saks is trying to keep it realistic because the film is nowhere near as bright and bubbly with the color palette as the 1963 film was; the film looks grounded and dull. Don't believe me? Here's a shot of the "One Last Kiss" scene from the 1963 film version:

Here's a shot of the same scene from the 1995 version:

 

I think I rest my case on the matter.

As I've said before, the pacing of the film sucks. The film clocks in at 2 hours and 15 minutes. That's long for a film in general, but that's almost overkill for a musical film. Grease, Mamma Mia!, and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street are all under two hours and are some of the most iconic movie musicals. After a while I got tired fast-forwarding through all of the commercials. That's not the network's fault, though. The length is absurd and I can't think of anyone praising this film under these circumstances. The original film was a little over an hour-forty, and that has a 100% score on Rotten Tomatoes with a positive audience reaction. If there were interesting musical numbers throughout with stunning choreography and great performances, I'd let this point go--I liked Les Miserables, didn't I?-- but those are rarely found. The lip-synching is awful, except for the three leads. Who fails at lip-synching? None other than Chyna Phillips! Give her a prize--thank goodness it's not an Emmy. Do we have any Razzies left?

This version of Bye Bye Birdie gets 1 out of 5 stars, my first overwhelmingly negative review. With terrible acting, poor pacing, and bad execution, I couldn't give it any more stars. Alexander, Williams, and Kudisch, although great, can't save the film. Honestly, if you find it on TV, just watch Sharknado instead. Or, like me, try to pretend it's a good film by watching this clip.

"One Last Kiss?" I'd say "One Last Miss."

Currently, this holds the number 4 spot on the worst movies I've ever seen. If you can avoid it, do. Please for all that's good in the world, spare yourselves. Watch Seinfeld instead if you want to see Jason Alexander funny or watch the clip above. You need nothing else. But I have to ask the question: what's the worst movie you've ever seen? Or the worst musical? Comment below. As a reminder, the transition is coming soon, so be prepared for a new direction!