HOLIDAY SPECIAL: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

I'll be straight with you. I had no interest in seeing this movie. I really didn't. Sure, I'd heard stories about it, but I never expected to see it. Furthermore, this was supposed to be review for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, but my showing got canceled, resulting in that review being delayed until a later date, hopefully by the end of the year. Regardless, though, let's sit back, enjoy some hot cocoa, and get into the Christmas spirit as I review what is considered one of the worst movies of all time, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

It's a wonder that this movie even exists; the premise is so ridiculous, the script is laughable most times, and the naming of these characters is incoherent. After the opening credits, we see two Martian children entranced by a beyond-cheesy "Earth program" of a tour through Santa's Workshop in the North Pole. Their father, the king of the Martians, is disturbed by their lack of motivation to do anything after watching TV, so instead of being a reasonable father and commanding them to stop watching them, or better yet, eliminating the TV, he and some council members seek advice from the elder Martian, Chochem (not that that's important). He, with a laughable acting performance that seems as if he's about to die any second, reveals he has feared that the "adults in child bodies" are wishing for fun and a childhood, which can only come about by the presence of Santa Claus. After all, that's all a childhood is. Anyway, the council, even though no one can agree on anything, leave in their spaceship to capture Santa and bring him back to Mars only to find out the blubbering idiot Martian hitched a ride with them! They arrive in New York, find two children creatively named Billy and Betty, realize that New York isn't the North Pole, abduct the children, and redirect their flight up north where they avoid the terrifying MAN IN A POLAR BEAR SUIT and take old St. Nick, whose only weapon of defense are puns that rival those of Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. I mean, it's not like the Martians are any more fearsome; their most feared weapon is a stun gun that "will wear off in a few hours..." indeed, there is much to be feared as the Martian reactions are every time they point one at each other. Meanwhile, the US Government sends a spaceship out to hunt for the Martians that took their children...and that's the last you'll hear of them even though we're only halfway through.

For the rest of the movie, the antagonist, a Martian whose character development only goes so far as Betty crying out, "He's the mean one!" is simply a nuisance hellbent on getting rid of Santa...somehow. He's more of a man of words than actions as he becomes more of a caricature than an actual villain. His biggest work of evil is switching some wires in Santa's Workshop on Mars... the villainy! Terribly filmed (and acted) fight scenes follow, the Martians realize that the true embodiment of childhood fun and merriment was with them all along in Buffoon Martian, and Santa goes back to Earth with the children...without conquering anything but puns. As if the movie wasn't laughable enough, it ends with a sing-along! Not even Rudolph has a sing-along after his end credits.

This movie thinks so highly of itself it has a singalong. What is this? Frozen? #SantaClausConquersTheMartians pic.twitter.com/CseS6Oabys
— Adam Johnson (@adamj_film) December 24, 2014

Overall, the movie is like an overextended sitcom episode with the charm of a Holiday TV Special. It's not overtly bad, but it's bad in a "so bad it's good" kind of way. The movie is full of unintentional laughs, jokes that fall hilariously flat, numerous plot holes, very minimal production value (note that in this same year we got the technically brilliant Mary Poppins and the critically acclaimed Goldfinger. It's not like this was the best possible product, especially in terms of practical effects), and overacting out the wazoo. Furthermore, the film doesn't know what it wants to be. At the beginning, it seems like it'll be a film that demonstrates the detrimental effects television has on children, which is complemented by Betty confusing humanlike Martians for televisions because they have antennae. Then later it seems to pride itself on how great the "Earth programs" are then wants to criticize industrialization and how it's gotten rid of practicality, such as when Santa bemoans that "I'm not tired, but my little finger is!" after working the automatic toymaker on Mars instead of making toys by hand back at the North Pole. Then sometimes it seems like it just wants to be a screwball comedy with Three Stooges-level pratfalls among the villains. Sometimes it wants to be taken seriously but everything about is laughable, intentional or not. Thankfully, it's only an hour and a half But none of this really matters; it's a Christmas movie, so if you're tired of watching Elf for the 25th time or been about dried up with the Hallmark Holiday "Classics," this one's available. But as a critic, I have to give this 1/5 stars. It's enjoyable to an extent, but only because it's so atrocious.

Can you see the zipper?

So how about you? What's your favorite Christmas/holiday movie? Have you seen this one? Whatever you have to say about me or the movies, comment below.

And finally, to you and yours, have a blessed and most merry Christmas!